Every single time I see my friends with their own significant other, I slightly feel bitter and envious at the same time. Just look at them, all sweet, holding hands, exchanging nicknames they made for each other, hugging each other goodbye.
Another perk of being single since birth is the huge feeling of self-doubt. Since no one has taken any particular interest in you, you wonder what's wrong with you night and day. "Am I too fat? Am I too dumb? Am I that ugly? Am I that poor? What's wrong with me?" You don't know what's wrong with you, and, eventually, you just get tired of asking those questions and just resign to the idea that you're not good enough.
(I seriously don't know, to be honest? Maybe I'm too fat.. ? I'm not sure I think so. I don't mean to brag, but I don't have a circular body build, nor do I have layers of fat hanging out my stomach. I'm not that fit either, though. Just your average, boring body build. I don't have some kind of disfigurement as well. I don't have a hole on my head and my head is shaped quite fine. Maybe I'm just ugly? I don't really know.)
It's a pain without a name. You may think that you had a good day, until it springs up on you. It's like an icy spike being poked into your heart—cold and sharp. "Other people, much uglier than you, are currently in a relationship. Other people, way fatter than you, are currently in a relationship. Most men had a relationship at least once in their life. Why haven't you?"
"It's okay, maybe someday, the right person will enter our life" is an extremely exhausted line. I'm tired of saying that to myself for the past 4 years or so to give me some hope, even by a little. By now, it's lost all its meaning.
Since I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, I just suppose that an evil grinch or goblin had put a large sign on my back that reads "WARNING: DO NOT DATE!" or something and that sign is only visible to women. At first, I laughed at the thought of it and remarked "psh, like that'll ever happen, I'm sure I can get a girlfriend next month." Until.. well.. several months—years—pass and you start to think "hey, that goblin warning sign thing? Maybe that shit was true after all."
I suppose people like me may never get to be in a relationship. Maybe love is just a wish to big to be granted for people like me.
It don't know. On nights like this, it just hurts.